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Monday, July 9, 2012
悔 - Drama

Life is full of regrets. Something that I have been trying hard to avoid, but it seems the more I try, the easier I end up making decisions that I regret. Right now, regretting and regretting. How I wish I won't be bothered by them.

从来没有想过，或料到，曾经深爱，热衷于的戏剧，居然会成为我今生的一大遗憾。我以为我会一直对戏剧充满热忱，以前是这样，今后也如此。那时我把戏剧当作我的生命，认为因为有了它，所以我的生活如此五彩缤纷，也很高兴圆了自己的演员梦。虽然我已认定以后我不会从事与戏剧相关的工作，但我相信它将会是我毕生的热忱，业余的爱好。

说实话，我还是很爱演戏的。一直告诉自己，我已经对戏剧死心了，但我不想欺骗自己。所以我想，我对中文戏剧还是有一份感情的，虽然当年有遗憾，但是也有开心的时候。

因该是两年前的失望，让我决定今生与舞台剧绝缘。English drama I mean. 我也不想骗自己，不想再告诉自己至少我有获益，可能获益的地方在于看清自己根本不适合english drama。也认清了， english drama and chinese drama are two different things. Some english drama are hard to comprehend, like that time I went to watch that show with the rest of drama peeps at Esplanade. Tbh I don't understand a single thing, even till this day. The synopsis helped a bit, if not I would not even know what is going on. I realised that, this cca is not for me, when I saw how the teachers were amazed and full of praises for the show, which, to me, is totally not worth the money (I had to spend $35 on that!!!! I wouldn't go if nt for the rest of the club gng) and I don't understand what the heck they were doing and saying. This reminds me of the incident in sec 1 or 2, when the school made us go to some chinese drama show. A weird storyline I rmb, smth like some students forcing a teacher to hand over the keys to the vault holding the exam answers and the teacher refused, and the students went to extreme measures, one of which I rmbed was faking a rape scene btwn 2 students, and the teacher gave in, then she committed suicide (thanks to reading the prog booklet). I think the show's called qing chun jing ji you xi. Anw I thought the storyline was kinda weird... and exaggerated. My point of view as a chinese drama member. Anw the director got angered by us, cos some students were making noises throughout the performance and not respecting the performance. The director got so angry that he refused to go on stage during curtain call. I think some members of the public gt angry with us (I mean the other students who make noise, I'm v guai ok) too and cant rmb if they scolded us. I think one of them stood up and scolded us at the end. But hey! We didn't want to go (the school made us), and tbh, I wouldn't go on my own, cos the storyline's kinda not the type of perf that I will wanna watch. But I did respect the perf and behaved like a gd audience should, cos I was from chinese drama then, and I was supporting my "fellow chinese drama actors" lol.

Anw, I guess I'm still ok with chinese drama now. But not english drama. I've never had a gd impression of english drama during sec sch times, tbh, they always seem to be "slacking", like nth much to do lol. But I always thought I should respect them, cos they were my "brothers in drama" lol. The impression stayed till jc, and I think nth much has changed, prolly they unlocked the achievement of being "last minute". Maybe I compared el drama to cl drama, in cl drama it's always busy busy busy. I felt really proud as a cl drama member back then and always wore my collar pin in lower sec, but I took down my collar pin in sec 3 and 4. Haiz.

Everytime I see an el drama production, like that time we went to fetch my sis when she went to watch twelfth night at fort canning, I always feel a pain. A regret. And I would look at the actors on stage, and envy them for being in the cast, that I was never a part of, but had so much wanted to be in. My main reason for joining el drama, even after I decided to change track after sec 4. I feel like bashing myself. 为什么我那么不争气？明明誓言不再加入戏剧，却又食言，落得一场遗憾。The regret of never being able to act on stage, after deciding to give another shot at drama, el drama, will stay. No thoughts of giving another try agn, the process is too painful. And I realise I don't understand el drama. Which prolly adds into the equation which landed me here now. Away from drama. Away from disappointments.

自从我加入guitar以后，我时不时都会回想起以前在 el drama and 戏剧的日子，然后就会问自己，我那些年到底在干什么？6年，在戏剧的6年，蹉跎了多少岁月。6年，我可以成为一个不错的 guitarist 了。而我现在，只是一个一事无成的人。这些年，我为戏剧掉过多少泪，又有谁知道，有谁在乎。

既然已经发生了，也没什么好说的了。但是，如果时间可以倒流，我可以重来一次，我一定不会做当时的决定。我宁愿戏剧永远是个梦，也不要它成为一个无法磨灭的遗憾。可惜，我再也回不去了。只剩下眼泪，和无尽的。。。悔。

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